The Opportunity Presented Itself

It was right in front of me. And I’m not talking about a fleeting moment; this thing lasted minutes. I could have done it. Actually, there were a number of things I could have, should have, done but I wimped out.

What was I supposed to do? My heart was racing like a jackhammer. Can you imagine what would have happened if I had done anything and the beating of my heart gave me away? That would have been a mess.

As it stands, or seems to stand, I may have done more damage by not doing anything. Of course this damage could be a good thing in the long run. Like I wrote earlier, it could have been such a wrong thing yet such a beautiful thing.

Those are the cases most of the time. Wrong but beautiful.

Who knows; the situation may present itself in another manifestation at a later time. I wouldn’t consider this opportunity to quit after one miss.

Oh brother! I am such a mess. I’m writing like if I had taken the chance and did what I wanted to do, I would be better off.

And we should all take note at how incredibly incorrect that choice was and continues to be.

Placed In A Holding Pattern

Today I called the business I had interviewed with over the phone and told the boss that I would not be pursuing employment there for the foreseeable future. No, I told him that I was still interested in it but my spouse was having great hesitation feelings about the ordeal. So that’s done with and over. Something that I felt strongly about (moving on to this new company) has been shot down because we don’t see eye-to-eye in the home.

Now I’m staying with the job I’ve had for the last five years. Where once there were almost two hundred people on board, now number less than ninety. I seriously don’t know how much longer our company can function with two full timers. (myself and my boss)

You’ve traveled this far with me on this odyssey. Let’s see how far we go right?

Now That It’s Over

The weekend was nice. It’s enjoyable to get out of the house and go somewhere. There are days/weekends when it doesn’t matter where a person goes; just that they get out makes the difference. I was able to get out this past weekend. I have one more weekend before my job starts back up after a month-long break. I suppose I’m looking forward to it. The people I will be working/serving have mentioned their excitement about getting back together. We shall see.

Remember this other job opportunity that I had mentioned before? I took part of a telephone interview with the powers-that-be there. The next day, the boss called me and invited me to come and share a little bit at their organization. (they’d fly us out or pay for the gas) I really want to join this new team. However, as I’ve said before, there are some road blocks (or maybe bumps) in the way. And I’m not one hundred percent sure if this is the correct path. If I desire something so strongly, does that make it correct? I suppose not if we’re talking about lusting after something to where it consumes my thoughts; waking and sleeping.

I’m not sure who I can talk to about this either. I’m pretty sure how my spouse feels about it. We’ve already had the discussion a few times but I want to talk with someone else. It can drive a person crazy if they don’t have a sounding board to bounce ideas off of without the fear of someone opening their mouth and telling all their friends about it. In my position, that’s always a strong possibility.

Not Looking Good

I am going to get myself into so much trouble. If I continue down this dash of a line that is supposed to be a highway of life, I will self-destruct. I’ve heard that people in my line of work will sometimes sabotage their careers because of the pressure. I’m not sure if I can put my finger on a pressure point (outside of the typical).

But what I’m doing now, specifically in my mind, will bring me to ruin. And it doesn’t have to. That’s the kicker in each case isn’t it. I don’t have to toe the line. I could turn around and make the right choices. But I can’t. I’ve convinced myself that if I change, if I make opposite choices, I will end up losing everything.

It’s almost like gambling with the Mob; no matter the outcome, the poor shmoe is going to be shot.

The thing that’s going to really boil your buttons is I don’t want to change. I enjoy this. I’m enjoying the conversations and the banter. I enjoy the attention, the anticipation, the expectation. This is all going to destroy anything that I considered my life.

You who’re reading this. Put yourself in my place and tell me how you would react. You ask, “I have no clue what you’re talking about in this post.” So let me help out just a little.

You’ve made choices, decisions that if you carry them out to completion, people are going to despise you. But if you turn around, your life may never be the same.

Help?

Drought of Dreams

The weather in these parts has been dry. Quite dry. Too dry. I went out to play disc golf and the thing would skip off the brown, dead grass like it was skipping across a pond – dirt tossed into the air.

We need rain!

I need dreams.

I have not been able to remember my dreams for the past few nights. And guess what? I haven’t been sleeping well again. Go figure! There is something about dreaming and getting a refreshing night’s sleep. I’m sure it’s not really dreams but Rapid Eye Movement. Or it could be both.

I think we’ve gotten into the habit of going with an “either/or” mentality when the solution could easily be a “both/and” idea. We have adopted President Bush’s idea of “You’re either with us or against us”. And now our neighbors can be seen as evil or the enemy. In the very least, they aren’t someone we’ll actively try to have a conversation with. Quite the opposite, we’ll try to avoid eye contact whenever possible.

I really need to get back to dreaming. Let’s hope it begins tonight!!

Afterwards

I watched the Saddleback Civil Forum a couple days ago. Senator Obama and Senator McCain were invited by Pastor Rick Warren to have an interview-type interaction with him. The format was great. Warren spoke with Obama first. When they were finished, Obama left and McCain came out and answered the same questions. It was supposed to be a time where the candidates could be themselves and were told by Warren not to give him their stump speech.

The issue now is whether McCain was able to hear the questions while Obama went first and was then able to craft better answers. This is coming from the other media sources who aren’t exactly happy that the forum was civil and actually allowed the candidates to express themselves, while not worrying about having to defend themselves against their opponent.

Who really cares right? I was pleased with the outcome. I was able to learn a little more about both men from their answers.

Here’s how I saw the difference:

I think Senator Obama conducted himself in the atmosphere of the event. He came in observing the interview-like style and basically had a nice conversation with Pastor Rick Warren. I think he did a fine job explaining his views.

Senator McCain, on the other hand, came in and really worked the crowd. He knows how to give those lines that draw loud applause from his audience. He told many anecdotes. I think there was one for every answer. It really didn’t feel like a nice conversation. When McCain spoke, it seemed like he was giving tiny segments of his stump speech.

I don’t think this event should be seen as a win/loss for the candidates. It was a way for people to hear real answers. We are getting tired of the mudslinging and trash dumping from the past campaigns. I’m ready to hear what they have to say and how they view their role as President if elected.

I think Pastor Rick Warren did a fine job in facilitating that task.

Inside The Brain

The latest on my deeper thinking came about after I watched a movie called 1408. The movie had a horrible ending but the premise was good. And this idea gave me a moment of thought. What would it be like if we could enter our own psyche? Would we find very dark and disturbing images? You know we have hidden thoughts that we try to keep to ourselves; what would it be like to experience those as if they were real?

For example, what if you imagined someone you know being killed. Would you experience that as if it were real? Would it feel real?

What if you thought about another person, other than your boyfriend/girlfriend? Would this other person be in your psyche and would you experience how you imagine they feel about you as well?

Would this experience of entering your inner thoughts drive you mad? Would it drive you to commit suicide? Or would it free you to live life with a sense of freedom to express yourself without fear?

Visuals To The Limit

Yesterday I stumbled upon a video of a woman being stoned to death. And like a doofus, I couldn’t pull myself from the clip. I watched every graphic detail. I don’t remember what country they were performing this judgement, but I couldn’t believe my eyes. Once I managed to yank my sight from the screen, I felt like I may be sick. Something is truly evil and anti-human when another person is killed.

That experience began a series of thoughts for me. I began to wonder why we consider what they do barbaric and horrific while they consider the same things about us. Why is the idea of taking any life something that we even think about? What would the planet be like if we didn’t kill? I’m not talking about my personal beliefs or opinions, I’m just trying to look at something from the outside. What if we outlawed killing? Could that even be possible? What would be the punishment for breaking the “no killing” law?

I think of these people who cut off the heads of their captives, I think of the slavers who auction off children to sex rings, I think of people who have such hated in their hearts toward another person or group of people that they essentially murder them in their minds. You can’t make a law preventing this sort of thing can you? It’s like trying to regulate morality, trying to make amendments to the Constitution based on some fleeting moral.

But the killing needs to stop right? Murders need to stop. When will it feel completely safe to live again?

Stretching Muscle

Today has been a better day. I did not get much sleep last night (translation: two hours of sleep) but I feel pretty good. I have been lifting weights at the local gym for a few weeks now. Today I didn’t do too much because of a busy schedule but I really felt it in my arms. There is nothing like the feeling of your arm muscles after a good work out. It’s feels tight and warm. Now I just need to keep at it so my upper body begins to change shape. I’d like to bulk up in that area; the shoulders, chest and arms.

The problem comes with my physical size. I’m tall and thin so my muscles are long and narrow. We’ll see if anything that resembes biceps manifests by October.

The issue with my spouse has cooled down for the time being. I know we’ll have a serious, sit-down conversation about it. But for right now I’m alright. I spent most of my sleepless night caressing arms, legs and back. Being touchy-feeling and cuddly seems to have a soothing effect on people. (i.e., Me)

Tropic Thunder has hit theaters. I’ve heard from a friend that it’s merely “okay” and not as funny as advertised. I read an article on cnn.com that encouraged people to boycott the film because it made fun of mentally retarded people. Supposedly the characters make some mocking statements or they say things that are meant to be funny but can be taken offensively.

There will always be people protesting something.

Easy Choices

When are the decisions we make ever easy? I thought I had worked things out with this possible job change. I had made all the appropriate contacts. And when I had it all figured that, barring any unforseen events, we would be moving. That’s all down the toilet now. My spouse informed me, after I talked about traveling to interview, that moving away that far isn’t in the best interest. Basically I’m screwed. I was on the telephone talking like I was ready to visit this new company within the next couple weeks. I get off the phone and run head first into a brick wall of denial. “No no no, I really don’t want to go there.” Thanks for being so up front and letting me know exactly how you feel before I made the call. Maybe a better option would have been to say something like, “No, I don’t think we should pursue this course of action” before I made the phone call! These little games of being non-committal are driving me insane. Just give me a flippin’ yes or no! Don’t give me “sure” or “I don’t know” answers!!! I hate those!!!!

Now that I’ve vented about my spouse on the Internet, I suppose I should feel shame…but I’m just too angry to feel that right now.

Now we’re probably back to square one. This current job will not be able to afford us for much longer, I want out of here, but my sigificant other “is just now making friends”. It’s taken a whole five years to do that, for crying out loud!

I’m ready to leave!!!